Please Pray

Hello friends.

I have a prayer request for you today. It's been a rough day, and it's only 10am!

Steph was sullen this morning, more sullen than usual. I wasn't feeling on top of the world myself and was less than patient with her.

I don't want to betray her confidence by going into details, but suffice to say I dropped a very sad and despondant girl at the school gate.

I have in the past let her come home when things have become too much for her to cope with at school, but this morning I told her that she can't keep running away, and I can't keep letting her.

So now I will worry all day that she is ok. And feel like the worst parent in the world. And get no work done whatsoever.

So please help me out and remember her (and me!) in your prayers.

Lord, please be with Stephanie today. Let her know that you love her just as she is, that she is your Princess, the daughter of a king. Help her to come to terms with her actions and deal with the consequences. Help me to help her.

But I don't want to diet!!!

I have to go on a diet.

I'm really not very good at dieting. Actually, I'm pretty bad, which is why I have now reached the stage where I really need to!

My clothes are in extreme danger of making me look like a big fat sausage that is bursting from it's skin. Even my "fat clothes" which I wear at that time of month are feeling snug.

It's just not good enough.

Yesterday I promised myself I would be good. And during the day I was. I didn't even have a chocolate at 3pm. Then I got home, put dinner on, and considered going for a walk. I should have went for that walk. Because instead I ended up having a piece of cake and a snack size packet of chips. After dinner I thought I might make myself a hot chocolate. It was lovely, and I made it on low fat milk, so not too bad. Then I toasted a fruit muffin because I told myself that it's kinda healthy and I felt like something sweet after dinner. Then I had an orange, which really doesn't count, because that's health food. And another hot chocolate, still with low fat milk, so really, it's a health food, I'm sure I need the calcium. Just one more piece of cake.....

By the time I went to bed I was feeling fat, bloated, and more than a little disappointed in myself. Why do I sabotage myself like this? I wasn't. even. hungry.

So....today I guess I have to try again. Because that's all I can do. But it still sucks.

Dear Lord, help me to look after the body that you gave me. Help me to choose healthy choices and exercise regularly.

Scott in action

Scott asked me to come outside this afternoon and take some photo's of him riding his bike, so I thought I might share them with you as well!

Here he is jumping over his favourite jump. He helped his Dad build the jumps that he has around the farm and apparently some just work better than others. This one he says is a good one.

He is starting to include tricks in his jumps. Thankfully none of our jumps give him enough height to try out anything really stupid, umm, I mean adventerous. He desperately wants to learn all the cool (stupid) tricks like letting go of the handlebars and doing hand stands. I won't be blogging about that, because I won't be watching.

We stayed out there for a half an hour or so, which is how long it took me to get a couple of decent photo's. It's not very easy to photograph a moving target, I kept telling him to slow down, but he wasn't listening. Said he couldn't hear me with his helmet on.

A day at home

Well, it hasn't been a complete day at home, I did go in to work this morning for a couple of hours, so it's really an afternoon at home. It's still nice to not have to be anywhere at a certain time. A rare thing for our family on a Saturday.

Scott and I started the afternoon off with his favourite activity. Baking chocolate chip cookies. Only today we tried it with M and M's. Not quite as good as the one's you get at Subway, but still...very nice.



Then Scott spent some time playing on the playstation (actually I think he is still spending time there! Just so you know, I did not choose the colour of the wall beside him! The playroom at our house is really the end of the enclosed verandah that Kym has closed off and lined. The green wall has been there ever since we got married and I hate painting (and cleaning junk filled verandah's) so it's remained. I'm not sure why I felt the need to point that out. You guys probably didn't even notice! But it wasn't me! It was my mother in law!


Having a Saturday afternoon at home is such a bonus for a full time working mum. It means that Sunday afternoon can be spent relaxing because the washing and house work is done! Today is one of those lovely sunny winter days that we get sometimes, so the washing is even getting some sunshine.

And Saturday afternoon is pretty much the same as any other afternoon for Boris.... I want to be a cat. Not just any cat, but one of my cats. He looks as though life is really stressing him out doesn't he? His look is saying "why did you wake me up...did you bring food?"
After the week we have had today is just what I need. No timetable, just pottering around the house getting this and that done. Or not. Doesn't matter and that's the beauty of it.

I might go put a casserole in the slow cooker now so tea will just happen tonight. I have some of those par baked bread rolls in the freezer. Beef casserole with lots of gravy, mashed potato and warm rolls......mmmmmm........perfect winter food.

Lord, thank you so much for this time of refreshment. Thank you for all the blessings that you have showered upon me this week, I felt your presence closely and I thank you for that. Thank you that Stephanie may have opened her heart to you, just a tiny bit. I pray that she can open up and let you in fully, so that she will know true peace.

Looking Up

So much can change in a few short hours.

Things are indeed looking up, which is probably a direct result of me looking up.

I wasn't very eloquent in my prayers today, I basically just said "HELP!". This morning after posting I was in tears so I went and locked myself in the toilet and just said "Help". I didn't know what else to say, what to ask for specifically, I just wanted help.

And the day got worse before it got better. Steph made it to lunch time before she couldn't cope anymore and I had to go pick her up from school. She said she had stomach pain, ever since she was a little girl anxiety and stress have come out as a sore tummy. I picked her up and brought her back to work with me as I didn't have time to run her home. She was fine once we got away from school and happily spent the day drawing and surfing the net on my bosses computer (he was away today obviously!).

After a while she came and sat with me in my office. I told her that I had contacted a counselor for her to speak to, and she was ok with that. I think it actually lifted her mood, the idea that I was taking her seriously and was prepared to do something about it. So, while she was open to ideas I asked her if she wanted to go to bible study tonight (the youth in our church have a youth bible study once per fortnight), and she said "I was going to wash my hair, but I guess I could squeeze that into my busy social calendar". Well, knock me over with a feather! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!

I half expected her to back out before we got there, but she is at bible study now. Don't get me wrong, while this is a positive step I'm well aware that it is only the first, and it's quite small. So I plan to spend the next couple of hours in prayer. Praying that she hears the word of the Lord tonight. Praying that the Lord will speak to her heart and help heal it. Praying that she will feel the Lord's love raining down on her.

Lord, thankyou that you were able to open Stephanie's mind to the idea of going to bible study. I pray that she will feel your love tonight, and she will learn from your word and understand how precious she is, that she is a child of Yours and that she is so cherished.

Run to Him

This is something I am trying to learn.

In the past when I've felt down, or overwhelmed, or negative, or all of the above I have turned my back on the Lord. It's not something I do intentionally, there is no conscious thought process involved, it's just the way I react.

When something is really bothering me I shut down. I look around me and ask advice and help from friends, but I forget to look up.

Today I'm going to look up. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but I'm going to try because if there is one thing I have learned it's that I can't do it alone. I need the Lord. And here's a news flash, He doesn't want me to go it alone. He wants to help. Ok, that's probably not a news flash for you, but I've only just worked it out.

Just writing this down and verbalising my thoughts has already helped. I think that's the answer. I will write it all down. At least if I'm busy writing at my desk it will look like I'm working!

An update...Steph is still pretty down. Her self esteem has taken a real hit and that is taking it's toll on all of us. I think I'm feeling so low because I'm feeling for her. I hate it when my kids are hurting. I just want to fix it for her. BUT I am not the "Mr Fixit", that is up to the Lord, and I am trying to put my full trust in Him.

Lord, please help me to remember to turn to you and not try to go it alone. I'm really feeling for Steph and I want to do everything I can to help her, help me to help her. Help me with the right words to say to her. But mostly watch over her, keep her safe and let her know that she is precious to you.

The "be nice to your family" experiment.

I would like to report that this experiment is going exceptionally well.

The subjects are responding in a manner supporting my previous theories.

Subject number 1 responds very positively when affection is displayed, even a small thing such as a smile or a change in tone of voice initiates a favourable reaction.

Subject number 2 is a little more difficult to read. Being more caught up in her own little bubble she requires much more attention, but with extra effort has actually asked if she can help with the dishes. Perhaps she is not for sale after all.

Subject number 3 is the easiest of all to influence. He soaks up every favourable word and encouragement like a dry sponge. As with subject number 2 he has morphed into a helpful and pleasant soul overnight. Although I have noticed the positive affirmation seems to make him talk even more. Wasn't sure that was possible, but you never know what will happen when taking on scientific experiments such as this.

Subject number 4 has been an impossible nut to crack. He see's positive affirmation, affection, love, attention as his right, merely affirming his place in the household as ruler and lord of all he sees. He still looks at you with disdain when you tell him he is beautiful (like, he knows that already), he leaves the room when you offer affection (stop messing with the fur woman), and he eyes you with haughty disdain if the food is not delivered correctly and on time.

Sigh. You can't win them all!

Diary of a teenage drama queen

Day One: Found out that my cousin kissed my boyfriend. I was planning to break up with him anyway, but he doesn't know that. I blame my cousin anyway. She should have known better. She already has a boyfriend. I hate her and am never speaking to her again. Well, not nicely anyway. Maybe I'll say hello at Christmas.

(notes from Mum) Steph's cousin kissed her boyfriend today. Steph is really angry and indignant that her cousin would choose her boyfriend over her. It's going to be a fun first week back at school. Not.

Day Two: Feeling grumpy and angry so I took it out on Mum on the netball court. Don't think she appreciated that. But honestly, wing defence? I hate wing defence! If I can't use the fact that my Mum is the coach to get my own way then whats the point of having Mum as the coach? Did lots of bad passes, mind not on the job. Saw the (ex) boyfriend, slapped him really hard. Made me feel better and it sounded really good. Went to friends house for tea with parents. Boyfriend was there. Talked to him but I still hate my cousin.

I can't believe that she has forgiven the boy and not her cousin. She doesn't seem to think that there are two sides to every story and this boy isn't worth fighting over. He's pretty smooth though, and good at sucking her in. Came close to strangling her during netball. Came to understand mothers who eat their young.

Day Three: Mum didn't even ask if I wanted to go to church. I hate church, boring. And there was no one to talk to there today. Friends are still away so no point. Got a phone call from cousin. Why is she calling me? Does she think I want to talk to her? Hello? Told her what I thought of her and hung up.

Cousin rang Steph today, Steph was less than polite. I almost think she is enjoying the drama.

Day Four: Back to school today. Didn't speak to (ex) boyfriend or cousin. Decided that neither of them are worthy of my attention.

Was proud of Steph today. She didn't react to cousin's needling and seemed to rise above it.

Day Five: Cousin has started sending nasty text messages. She obviously has no brains. If there was any chance of me forgiving her before there isn't now. Mum is asking me to be reasonable, and has this weird idea that I will feel better if I forgive them both and move on. Pfffft. As if. Hating them feels pretty good to me. Cousin is using her family as an excuse again. She brings that up every time she does something wrong. She's always playing the sympathy card and trying to make me look bad.

So much for rising above it. It's getting a bit nasty now and Steph is still adamant that she won't be forgiving anyone anytime soon.


Lord I pray that this will all blow over soon, and that Steph will find it in her heart to forgive. I think her relationship with her cousin has been permanently damaged but I pray that bridges can be mended and they can find a way to become friends again.

Blessings

Yesterday after church I was truly blessed by a dear friend.

She notices when I'm not myself.

She cares, and encourages, and it's such a comfort to know that she is there.

Until she came up and spoke to me after church, I wasn't really aware that there were some things weighing heavy on my heart. But she noticed, and asked if I would mind if we prayed together.

So we prayed. And during that prayer I felt lightened.

So many people bless me in so many different ways. I think my challenge is to remember to return the favour. It's too easy to get caught up in your own stuff, and not look around you. So that is my aim. To notice. To bless. To care.

And in a radical move, I think I will start with my own family. They often bear the brunt of my impatience, my insecurities, my general grumpiness. Today I'm going to remind myself that these people are the people that I hold dearest in my heart. They matter. They deserve the "away from home" version of Sharon, who is polite, and friendly, and tolerant (well, not completely intolerant).

Lord, help me to be a blessing to my family. Help me show them how much I love them, not just by telling them, but how I treat them. Help me also to bless those who cross my path on a day to day basis. Remind me that it's not about me, it's about glorifying you.

I'm Back

Hi all.

First let me say a heartfelt thank you to all who have sent me lovely posts of encouragement and for praying for us.

We have spent a few days away in the Barossa Valley. A truly beautiful part of our state, especially at this time of year with green rolling hills, running rivers and grape vines freshly pruned. Such a starke contrast to here. Steph loved the huge gum trees and kept wanting to take photo's of them so she could draw them later.

We stayed with some wonderful friends and enjoyed a time of catching up, chatting and relaxing. These are the friends that Steph would board with if she went away to school next year. I had been praying for some direction in that respect and I certainly got it. Darren and Chris have two small children (2 years and 5 months) and they shared with us that they are expecting a surprise 3rd child in January. Which means the youngest two will be 11 months apart. So that's that then. There is no way I would ask her to take on a teenager amoungst all that!

Steph is disappointed. She had begun to get used to the idea of going away, and was looking at it as a way to escape. I pointed out to her that changing schools won't stop the issues she is having, it will just move them. And really, her issues are normal, it's just her way of coping with them that worries me. I have run the gamut of emotions today. I've felt bad for her, sad for her, angry with her and frustrated with her. I think I'm just tired of the pressure, she expects me to make everything better. And that's a pretty big ask.

As for her faith. I am praying. I will continue to pray and also pray to find the right words to talk to her.

Of course we had more drama over the weekend. Her cousin kissed her new boyfriend. Oh joy. It's going to be a fun first week back at school.

This parenting teenagers is fun isn't it?

Lord, please help me to find the right words to speak life and wisdom to Steph. Help her as she struggles through the teenage years and let her know that you are there for her, and you will never let her down. Help me be the best parent I can be to both Steph and Scott.

When does sadness become depression?

I'm still worried about Steph.

Ok, I will always worry about her, that's my job, but this morning she has given me cause for more worry than usual.

She has never been the most resilient person, and has in the past had teachers and myself worried about her low self esteem. When she was in year 6 and 7 she suffered a bout of depression which with the help of a loving school, church, and home environment we were able to overcome.

As most of you know she broke up with her boyfriend of 12 months about a month ago. She seemed to handle that pretty well but now I'm not so sure. This morning she told me that she feels like she wants to cry almost every day. She said she isn't sure why, she doesn't think it's Corey, she just feels alone. Breaking up with Corey didn't just mean she lost a boyfriend and friend but a whole group of friends. She became a part of his friendship circle and she loved it. Now she feels she can't associate with that group and it has left her feeling lost.

Steph hates being alone. She says whenever she is alone she just thinks about how she is useless and that she will never amount to anything. Corey was wonderful for her self esteem and I think she is really struggling to find herself without him.

How do you teach a person to value themselves? How do you encourage them to learn to enjoy their own company?

At what point does being sad and lonely become depression, and how, as a mother, can I stop that from happening again?

She isn't sad all the time. Until this morning I had no idea that she was sad at all. She still does the things that she enjoys doing like singing, playing the guitar and artwork. She still engages in converstation with us and with her friends. She isn't withdrawn like she was last time, quite the opposite, she wants to be out socialising all the time.

The thing that really bothers me is that she doesn't have the Lord. She won't come to church and I really don't know what's in her heart with regard to her faith. And I'm afraid to ask.

Lord, please be with Stephanie in this time of sadness. Help her realise what a wonderful and beautiful person she is, and help her find some direction in her life. She is feeling lost and alone at the moment Lord, please help her through this time.

Bad Friend

I have a friend who has just returned to full time work. She is really struggling with the hours and time management of her family plus the stress of learning a new job.

And she complains about it.

Constantly.

Continuously.

On and on and on and on she goes.

I have started avoiding go to her house for lunch. I have been telling myself what a good friend I am because I have refrained from telling her to suck it up and get over it (which is what I have been thinking). I know all about working full time and the pressures and stresses that brings. Does she think she is the only person in the world who has to deal with this?

I had a realisation in the shower this morning (sorry for that mental image people! Sharon in the shower is not a pretty sight!). I am not a good friend. Instead of listening begrudgingly and muttering under my breath I should be offering support. I have been listening, but not really listening. When she starts on this line of coversation I have been inwardly rolling my eyes and thinking "here we go again". I have to stop and think about what a big adjustment this is for her, and stop thinking about me.

So, tomorrow I will have lunch with her and I will listen empathetically. I will tell her she is doing a great job, and that it will get easier.

Thank you Lord for bringing my faults to my attention again. Forgive me for my impatience and help me to be a supportive and encouraging friend.

Blah day

Not sure what is going to erupt from my fingers as I type today. Feeling a bit "blah" so I apologise in advance for what is sure to be inane drivel.

It's that time of month for me. That is bad news for everyone in my immediate vicinity. I cry. I throw tantrums. I sulk. Well, even more than usual. Even Boris annoys me.

The alarm went off this morning. That annoyed me.

I ran out of ironed work shirts. That annoyed me.

It was cold. That annoyed me too.

Everyone except me got to stay in their nice warm beds and sleep in. Not happy.

The passenger side door handle of the car got stuck and wouldn't open. Annoyed.

My boss came in to work when he's supposed to be on holdiay. Really annoyed.

Stupid heater under my desk was making a funny ticking sound. Even that annoyed me.

Somebody used the last of the milk and DIDN'T REPLACE IT. Now that is a punishable by death offence. EXTREMELY ANNOYED!!!!!

I got home and struggled in the house carrying groceries and Kym smiled at me. How annoying!

Boris sat on my lap and purred. He is SO Annoying!

Then I sat down at the computer and read people's blogs. They didn't annoy me. They blessed me. Every single one.

So thankyou.

You may have saved the life of several members of my family!

Boris is Bad

You may remember me talking about my Boris. He is a Russian Blue cat, and most of the time he is my pride and joy. He's affectionate, and soft, and cuddly and just plain adorable.

But I've discovered he has an evil side (as do most cats!)

He loves to torment me in my sleep. Now I can hear you all saying that I should be shutting him out! Just don't let him in! But I'm afraid I'm weak, and he cries, so into bed he comes.

This arrangement has been fine until a few nights ago. I am now tired and grumpy because Boris wants to sleep on my neck. He waits until I am alseep and then he makes his move, he curls himself around my neck and stays there until I wake up gasping for air and spitting fur. I'm not sure why he suddenly feels the need to sleep on my neck. Kym says it's because he is evil and he is trying to smother me, to which I logically answered that if Boris was going to try to smother anyone, it would be Kym! Kym is the one who kicks him out of bed and pokes him when he is sleeping just for the fun of it.

As if that wasn't bad enough he seems to have developed another little habit. He snores. I kid you not. Well, its more of a moaning, squeeking noise than a snore.

I can see I'm going to have to get tough. Boris is going to have to sleep on his bed, and if he cries at our door he will have to be put outside.

But he's just so cute!

Empty Nest

This weekend I had my first taste of what it will be like when the kids leave home.

We've had time without the kids before, but this time it felt different. I think because in the not too distant future it will be a reality.

I'm not sure I liked it.

Kym and I had our tea, which we prepared together. That was nice. Then we sat down and watched the footy on tv, which was a very one sided match and not very interesting. So now what? You mean we have to talk to each other?

It took us a while but we did manage a conversation! Isn't it funny (well, probably not funny) how you get so caught up in life, kids, work, that you forget how to have a real conversation? OUr conversations are generally "can you pick up some milk on the way home" "What time should we tell Steph to come home" "can you please stop flicking through the channels" "who stole the remote?"....and the list goes on. Lots of one liners, but not much real conversation.

So, what to do? I'm thinking we need to go on a date. We haven't done that in a while, so that is the plan. Next week we are going to the Barossa for a few days to spend time with some dear friends and we might take the opportunity to visit a nice restaurant for some nice food and conversation!

I will let you know how it goes.....

Baring your soul

Baring your soul is hard. Especially in front of people, people you know, people who thought they knew you.

Today at church myself and a dear friend Melissa ran the service. Once a month we have a family service where a family or an individual from the congregation co-ordinates the service.

Melissa and I got together and decided our theme this week would be "come as you are". We organised lots of great songs, a couple of nice warm fuzzie readings, a dvd clip showing a girl feeling out of place, and then Melissa thought it might be a good idea to ask people to share a time when they have felt they didn't belong.

She started the ball rolling with a great story of her own, funny, eloquent, with a great message. The whole time she was talking I was waging a battle in my own head, it went something like this.

You have to share your thoughts.

No.

You are being prompted to share your story, so you have to obey.

No. I'll cry. I hate crying.

I can't talk and cry, my face wrinkles up and my voice goes all squeeky.

They won't understand a word, so no point doing it.

God, if I share my story please help me out by letting me not cry.

Can I have a sign? Do we have a deal? Hello?

Please please please help me keep it together.

Maybe if you write it down and read it out you won't cry.

(madly scribbles on back of order of service)

She is almost finished.

Nope. Can't do it. Hate crying.

Melissa then finished up her story and handed me the microphone, where I was to introduce the next song.

I took the microphone, and my little story badly scribbled, and stood up. I just felt compelled to share what I had written. And I cried (I was a bit cross about this!, but have decided that perhaps I needed to show how I really felt, which meant crying) But I managed to get through it and get my message across. It went something like this:

My story isn't as witty or amusing as Melissa's, but I feel I need to share it regardless. I have often felt out of place right here, in this church. (voice wobbles) I turn up every week (ok, most weeks) without a husband, and often without children to what is a fantastic family church. (start sniffling here). I've come to realise though, that the standards that I feel I can't live up to aren't God's standards, but my own. (not sure if they understood any of this through gulps, sniffles and deep breaths). I'm finally getting it through my thick head that I can come here and belong, no matter where I am in my life, because the Lord will always meet me wherever I am.

Now, I didn't say much, but it took me a while, and I felt such a sense of releif. Almost like I really needed to say it. Obviously I did really need to say it or the Lord wouldn't have poked and prodded me until I did.

Lord, thank you that you meet me where ever I am at. Thank you that you love me just as I am, and that your love is unconditional. I pray that I can continue to work on my insecurities and grow closer and closer to you each day.

The Man Cold

I'm wondering if this is a worldwide occurance, or just something we have here in Australia.

My DH at the moment has a "man cold". Now, for those of you who have never heard of this particular ailment a "man cold" is quite similar to the common cold, only much much worse. When a man gets a cold it's always far worse than anything a woman has ever experienced, women have no idea about the extent of misery that men feel when they have a "man cold".

They don't just get a runny nose, they have the worst sinus infection EVER. They don't get a mere cough, like we women, they nearly die with all the hacking, snuffling, gasping and wheezing. You just ask them. They are dying. And this extreme disease completely incapacitates them. They are unable to raise their head from the bed, lounge, sofa to sip their tea. They don't however seem to lose the ability to operate the remote!

Men know that a woman never gets a cold as bad as this, because women continue to wash, clean, work, cook, so it stands to reason that they couldn't POSSIBLY be as sick!

Ok, I will cut the him some slack. He does seem to have a nasty cold, but it has made me wonder if anyone else has experienced the dreaded man cold? :)

Decisions Decisions...

Pink has decided she will go away to school.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. After all this time worrying about whether or not Corey was holding her back, whether she was putting her dreams on hold, now I think I want to hold her back!

I'm awfully hard to please, I know that.

It's just...she's my baby. I want her to be sure of her decision, I want her to succeed and be happy. I'm trying so hard to not let my wants overshadow hers, but it's hard. It's natural to want to shield your kids from the mistakes you made.

So, I shall be praying that this is what is right for her. That she will bloom and grow into the beautiful young woman I know she can be. But most of all I pray that she will one day live for the glory of her Lord and Saviour. Because if she is doing that, everything else will fall into place.

Good Enough

I am not a good person. This bothers me. I want to be good. I try to be good. I find it really hard to keep failing. It's hard to pick yourself up, ask for forgiveness and keep trying. There is always this voice inside my head (well, there are many, but one in particular!) that asks me why I even bother trying. I will never be good enough.

But that's the point isn't it. None of us are ever going to be good enough. And yet the Lord still calls us His Sons and Daughters, still cares about every aspect of our lives, every time we stray he wants us back.

I think this notion of unconditional love is the thing I struggle with the most. I read about it. I hear about it. I know it in my head. But at times I have trouble really believing it. I long for that deep certainty, that unwavering and radical faith that I hear others speak about. It's a bit like when you can't remember a song lyric or person's name. It's right there, but the harder you try to grasp it, the further it slips away.

I want to live in the word, I want to believe with absolute certainty that my Lord and Saviour is there for me. Am I complicating things by thinking about it too much? Am I making it harder than it needs to be?