I want to run away.

I'm serious! I really do want to run away.

Life is just bugging me at the moment. And rather than deal with it, I'd just like to run away.

There is nothing specific that I can really put my finger on. I think I'm just tired and feeling run down and unappreciated.

Work is getting busier and busier, with new responsibilities and tasks added here and there. Nothing major, but it builds up.

Nothing drastic has happened at home. The kids are relatively happy (as happy as teenagers get I imagine), Kym isn't stressing any more than usual about the rain, the crops, the weeds, the drought.

I think I've just reached a point where I either need to ask for help or fall into a heap. I feel as though I spend my life meeting other people's needs and demands. It feels like there is no one taking care of me, and I don't have time to take care of me because I'm spending all my time taking care of them.

Sigh.

I don't have any answers. I'm really really bad at telling people how I feel. Really bad. I don't like to admit to any kind of weakness. People comment to me all the time that they don't know how I do it. Well I don't know either. And I don't know how much longer I can go before the wheels fall off.

Like I said. I just want to run away.

Down Time

This may seem a little odd but I've quite enjoyed being a bit under the weather today.

Stephanie, Scott and I have this bug that's been doing the rounds of our community. It makes you a bit stiff and sore, sore throat and dizzy. But it's not too bad if you stay laying down.

So today that is what we have done. We have all been complete coach potatoes. Stephanie and I have watched almost the whole third season of One Tree Hill (she is looking for season 4 and 5 if anyone has copies we can borrow). Scott has watched a couple of movies (thank goodness we have more than one TV!) and I have finished the book I've been reading, 90 Minutes in Heaven.

Despite feeling off colour I have to say it's just what I needed. Some time to just rest.

Scott is now well enough to start to become bored, and therefore annoying his sister. Stephanie is feeling well enough to bite back when Scott needles her... so I'm thinking one day of peace and calm is all I'm going to get! Unless I pack them off to school tomorrow and stay home by myself...now that idea has merit!

But we won't do that. I'm feeling recuperated enough to face the world again so tomorrow is back to business as usual.

Lord, thank you for this time of rest and reflection. I have enjoyed spending a quiet day at home with the kids and enjoyed their company despite feeling unwell. I pray that we are all recovered enough to get back into it tomorrow.

The Pain!

Last night was the first game of our Spring squash pennant.

Last pennant Scott played for the first time and he really enjoyed it. I filled in a couple of times when someone couldn't make it and it didn't kill me, so I thought maybe this time I would play every week.

I'm now wondering at the wisdom of that decision.

While I was really pleased with my first ever "real" game, and the fact that by the third game I was learning to stop hitting it like a tennis player, this morning every muscle in my body aches! I used muscles that I didn't know existed!

I actually found it pretty hard to hit the ball the way the squash players do, and they all commented that you could tell I am a tennis player. Squash is a wrist movement, tennis is a full body backswing. And I also found that a two handed backhand just does not work for squash.

But I'm learning. And I really enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to learning how to hit those tricky shots off the back wall, and learning to think about my shots rather than just hit it back. The thing I really loved about squash is that unlike tennis it's pretty hard to hit the ball out! Wayward shots that go sideways then forwards are good shots in squash! I could get used to that! It will be interesting to see if it affects my tennis game. Coz I'm such a champion and all. Not!

Of course I gave myself a chocolate reward for all that effort!

Kym also made a comeback to squash after not playing for 15 years. Of course he just picked it up as if he'd never stopped playing. Sometimes I hate him! In the nicest possible way of course!

Scott had a pretty easy win for his first game which he was a bit dissappointed about, said he would have preferred a longer hit. I won one game but lost my set 1-3, and Kym lost his set 2-3 which was a pretty good effort considering he is playing at number 2 in the team after not having played for 15 years. Like me he is a bit stiff and sore today!

Am I getting in the way?

Something I read while relaxing in a nice warm bubble bath just now has got me thinking...

Am I getting in the Lords way?

How do I know whether or not my attempts to help Stephanie are hindering the Lord?

Does the mere fact that I'm contemplating this mean that I am, indeed, getting in the way?

I guess the best course of action for me to take now is to hand her over, get my hands off in order to let him do his stuff.

Lord, help me to reliquish Stephanie completely into Your hands. I know I've done this before but I keep wanting to snatch her back, out of my own fear and lack of faith. Forgive me for forgetting that I must surrender every aspect of her life to You. I know I can trust You to bring her through this dark period she is having, in whatever way You see fit. Help me to let go and give Stephanie to You unreservedly. I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

A day at home

Well, it hasn't been a complete day at home, I did go in to work this morning for a couple of hours, so it's really an afternoon at home. It's still nice to not have to be anywhere at a certain time. A rare thing for our family on a Saturday.

Scott and I started the afternoon off with his favourite activity. Baking chocolate chip cookies. Only today we tried it with M and M's. Not quite as good as the one's you get at Subway, but still...very nice.



Then Scott spent some time playing on the playstation (actually I think he is still spending time there! Just so you know, I did not choose the colour of the wall beside him! The playroom at our house is really the end of the enclosed verandah that Kym has closed off and lined. The green wall has been there ever since we got married and I hate painting (and cleaning junk filled verandah's) so it's remained. I'm not sure why I felt the need to point that out. You guys probably didn't even notice! But it wasn't me! It was my mother in law!


Having a Saturday afternoon at home is such a bonus for a full time working mum. It means that Sunday afternoon can be spent relaxing because the washing and house work is done! Today is one of those lovely sunny winter days that we get sometimes, so the washing is even getting some sunshine.

And Saturday afternoon is pretty much the same as any other afternoon for Boris.... I want to be a cat. Not just any cat, but one of my cats. He looks as though life is really stressing him out doesn't he? His look is saying "why did you wake me up...did you bring food?"
After the week we have had today is just what I need. No timetable, just pottering around the house getting this and that done. Or not. Doesn't matter and that's the beauty of it.

I might go put a casserole in the slow cooker now so tea will just happen tonight. I have some of those par baked bread rolls in the freezer. Beef casserole with lots of gravy, mashed potato and warm rolls......mmmmmm........perfect winter food.

Lord, thank you so much for this time of refreshment. Thank you for all the blessings that you have showered upon me this week, I felt your presence closely and I thank you for that. Thank you that Stephanie may have opened her heart to you, just a tiny bit. I pray that she can open up and let you in fully, so that she will know true peace.

The Man Cold

I'm wondering if this is a worldwide occurance, or just something we have here in Australia.

My DH at the moment has a "man cold". Now, for those of you who have never heard of this particular ailment a "man cold" is quite similar to the common cold, only much much worse. When a man gets a cold it's always far worse than anything a woman has ever experienced, women have no idea about the extent of misery that men feel when they have a "man cold".

They don't just get a runny nose, they have the worst sinus infection EVER. They don't get a mere cough, like we women, they nearly die with all the hacking, snuffling, gasping and wheezing. You just ask them. They are dying. And this extreme disease completely incapacitates them. They are unable to raise their head from the bed, lounge, sofa to sip their tea. They don't however seem to lose the ability to operate the remote!

Men know that a woman never gets a cold as bad as this, because women continue to wash, clean, work, cook, so it stands to reason that they couldn't POSSIBLY be as sick!

Ok, I will cut the him some slack. He does seem to have a nasty cold, but it has made me wonder if anyone else has experienced the dreaded man cold? :)

Decisions Decisions...

Pink has decided she will go away to school.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. After all this time worrying about whether or not Corey was holding her back, whether she was putting her dreams on hold, now I think I want to hold her back!

I'm awfully hard to please, I know that.

It's just...she's my baby. I want her to be sure of her decision, I want her to succeed and be happy. I'm trying so hard to not let my wants overshadow hers, but it's hard. It's natural to want to shield your kids from the mistakes you made.

So, I shall be praying that this is what is right for her. That she will bloom and grow into the beautiful young woman I know she can be. But most of all I pray that she will one day live for the glory of her Lord and Saviour. Because if she is doing that, everything else will fall into place.

Too busy to post!

What's with that? I have had the most hectic day and I didn't even THINK about blogging! That has never happened before!

Today was the last day of the financial year, and with steel prices set to rise by quite a bit in the next financial year I was under all sorts of pressure to get all the machinery orders sorted for 2009. It was a huge task, but it's left me with a feeling of accomplishment. I worked late today but left my desk tidy and organised, with just a few loose ends to sort out tomorrow.

I discovered a definate "up" side to Pink splitting up with her boyfriend on the weekend. Corey was lovely, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against him. But on Sunday we went out to lunch with friends with just us. Just our family. That hasn't happened in quite some time. Last year we had a friend's daughter boarding with us and our family grew by one, then along came Corey and we were thinking about getting a bigger car! Now it's just us again, and it's nice. I didn't even realise I missed it.

And the BIG news...... drum roll please..... Robbie played his first game in the forward lines on Saturday and he got a goal! We could tell he was really excited, but trying to play it cool. Pink was really proud of him and gave him a big hug in front of his friends which he pretended was really embarrasing but he was pretty chuffed. He loves it when she gives him approval.

Please Pray

Pink has found herself at a bit of a crossroads at the moment. She has the opportunity to go away to complete her schooling next year and the year after. She would board with friends and go to a much bigger school which offers the art and music programs she wants.

Yesterday on the way home she told me she wants to go. Now.

Then she thought she could wait til the end of the year.

By dinner time she didn't want to go at all.

At bed time she wasn't sure what she wanted.

I of course have my own concerns. While I can see fantastic opportunity for her at this new school I worry that she will be home sick. Even though she will board with friends there is a significant cost involved, she would want to come home regularly and being 600km away that comes at a price. Then there is the new school uniform, fees, books, and I would of course pay board to our friends.

She is concerned about leaving her home for the first time. She worries that she won't fit in or will have trouble making friends. She worries that Darren and Chris (our friends) won't let her go out (assuming she makes friends!). She worries about Darren and Chris's small children and whether she will cope with living with small people.

So, there is much to consider. I'd appreciate your prayers while we go through the decision making process.

Beautiful Girls

Well, I certainly think they are beautiful. Here is Pink (on the right) about to do battle on the netball court opposing her cousin. These girls have grown up together and are roughly the same age (Pink is a few months younger). They are chalk and cheese. One is fair, the other dark, one is quiet and the other is loud (that would be Pink!) but both share the same wicked sense of humour.

It seems like yesterday when they were fighting over toys and running around in nappies. And now look at them. Beautiful young ladies.

I am pleased to say that our team won the game yesterday after what was a pretty shaky start. We came back from being 8 goals down to win the game by 13. I was a bit worried, but very pleased to see my team pull together and come from behind. I was really proud of them.

Thats about all I have today. My brain is feeling a bit fuzzy. Sinuses are playing up again. I think I may go take a nap! I do love Sunday.

Something to look forward to

I decided earlier in the week that it would be a good idea to give Pink something to look forward to on the weekend.

So, with that in mind we have invited two wonderful families with teenage children to our place for tea on Saturday night, since we have no football/netball this week. Pink is really looking forward to it, and so will I, once I have the house tidy!

We have decided to have a camp oven tea. A camp oven is like a dutch oven, made of cast iron. You light a fire and once it has burned down to coals you dig a hole and put your camp oven inside, then let it slowly cook for about 5 hours. We are going to roast some lamb and chicken and vegetables in one camp oven, and in the other I'm planning on steaming a golden syrup pudding.

Being able to have a camp fire is one of the many benefits of living where we do. There is nothing quite like sitting around a fire on a cold night, toasting marshmallows and just catching up.

Hopefully it will do the trick, and give Pink a lift. The families we have invited are the parents of two of her dearest friends so she should have fun. And so should we!

I'm hoping to take photo's (if I remember) and post the whole camp oven process tomorrow.

But first.....I have to clean the house! Nothing like inviting guests to make you clean properly!

Teachers can be bully's too

I'm in a bit of a quandry. Robbie's teacher from last term and last year has been removed from the school for this term because the principal felt that she was emotionally and verbally abusing the kids, Robbie in particular.

It has now come to light that the Education Department (in their infinate wisdom) have offered her the same position for next term. She says that she doesn't want to come back to school yet, that she doesn't feel school is the right place for her at the moment. She is right, but I want to be a bit more sure of whats going on than that.

The principal is very stressed and feels that he has stuck his neck out to protect the kids and all it has achieved is one term. There is no guarantee that she will come back, but the fact that the Department have offered her the position is a kick in the teeth for him. He feels as though he has been put through the wringer for nothing.

Both the principal and the current teacher (who is wonderful) are putting pressure on me to write a letter to the department expressing my concerns. My problem is that I'm not really sure what my concerns are. The previous teacher taught Pink in year 6 and was fabulous with her, and while Robbie has come home saying that he hates school and he hates Mrs...... I don't feel I have anything really specific to complain about. Robbie isn't the type of kid who will tell me exactly what someone said or did to make him feel bad, he just reacts by not wanting to go to school, not doing any work and generally misbehaving.

I can definately say that the change in Robbie has been immense. He is enjoying school, he is doing his homework. He hasn't once said this term that he doesn't want to go to school.

If the previous teacher has decided not to come back this year then I am tempted to let sleeping dogs lie. Robbie will change schools next year and head to high school but if she really is that bad I feel guilty about inflicting her on any other kids.

I don't know. I will pray and hope the Lord points me in a definate direction. He has to be obvious though, because I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes!

Exhausted!

Pink and I have returned from our trip to Adelaide, completely exhausted.

The trip had it's ups and downs to say the very least......

There were some interesting career options for Pink to consider. She really enjoyed the hairdressing and the naturopathy, and found the architect really interesting, although was put off by the 5 years at uni. I don't think she has come to any decisions, and a lot of the time she wasn't in the right "headspace" to be thinking about her career options which was unfortunate.

On Tuesday night Pink broke up with her boyfriend. I was quietly relieved because I worried that having an older boyfriend meant that she was wanting to grow up too fast. Pink was ok at first but by Wednesday afternoon I had to take her back to our hotel because she just couldn't hold it together. Then she seemed to pick up again and decided to join the class for movie night. Thursday she was pretty good all day, but like I said wasn't really "on channel". On Thursday night we went out shopping and bowling with the class and on the way home she just fell to pieces again. Today she has been ok, but quiet. I'm finding it hard to console her, how do you go about telling them that it's not the end of the world without trivialising it? To her its a really big deal. This is her first breakup. These emotions are painful and new.

What I'm afraid of now is that he will decide he wants to get back together again, and then we will get back on this emotional roller coaster for another ride.

This parenting teenagers is just one crisis after another sometimes!

A day in the Life.....

I've been meaning to do a post like this for a while now, so this is how my day panned out yesterday. I've skipped over what I do at work as it's not really very interesting to anyone else!

5.15am - Fisherman gets up and goes out to work. I sense it more than anything. He knows better than to speak to me at that hour, I am not a morning person!


5:20am - Fisherman lets Boris the cat in. He licks my nose and snuggles under the covers, purring loudly. I adore this cat which explains how he gets away with this behaviour. Like I said, I'm not a morning person!

6.45am - My alarm goes off. I listen to the weather report (no rain), then talk myself into moving. I drag myself out of bed, disrupting Boris in the process, he glares at me as he stretches. Cats can frown you know.

7am - Head for the shower, waking Pink and Robbie on my way past. I have to turn Pink's light on to have any hope of getting her to stay awake. Takes after her mother.

7:25am - Emerge from the shower, almost human now. Wake Pink again, and again, and one more time before she actually moves. Help Robbie find socks.

7:30am - Prepare kids lunches and breakfast simultaneously (this is where I miss Fisherman, when he isn't so busy he helps with this bit). Referee argument over who has stolen who's socks.

7:55am - we all head out the door. Drive Robbie 10km to bus stop to be taken to his primary school. Pink stays with me as her school is walking distance from my work.

8:30am - Arrive at work. Turn on computer and make coffee. Check my emails, blog and list of tasks to be done today.

8:45am - Pink leaves for school, only to return two minutes later. She wants me to drive her so she doesn't get mud on her shoes (or Robbie's socks). Praise the Lord. We have mud.

9am - Start processing machinery forward orders for 2009. Apparently there is a worldwide tractor shortage and we have to guesstimate how many tractors we will sell in 2009. Spend time liasing between salesmen and management to get a quota everyone is happy with.

12noon - Lunchtime. Buy lunch at the bakery because I was too lazy to pack my own this morning. Head to my friend Sharon's (yes, she is a Sharon too) house for lunch and enjoy a cuppa and catch up with her. We plan what time we will leave on Sunday for the school trip we are going on with our two eldest.

1pm - Back to work and those tractor orders. After a couple of breaks for coffee, email and blog catchups they are all finished and ready to be emailed to CASE IH in the morning. We will order 65 tractors and hope and pray we have got it right.

6pm - Head home, stopping on the way to grab some milk and a DVD for Robbie (he rang, begged, whined, I caved).

6:30pm - Arrive home, light the fire and prepare dinner. Help Robbie with his homework (does anybody remember how to multiply fractions? Hmmm) while dinner is cooking. Monitor Pink's internet usage while she is chatting to friends on Myspace.

7pm - Sit down to dinner with the kids. Fisherman doesn't eat with us at thes time of year since he won't be home til after midnight. Put his dinner in the microwave for him to re-heat and eat when he gets home. Spend time chatting with the kids over dinner, catching up on their day.

7:30pm - Clean kitchen then sit down to do some cross stitch. I'm working on a new one, it's a beautiful picture of a sheep dog pup sitting inside a farmers boot. Cute. Could take me several years!

9pm - Send Robbie to bed, after telling him 15-20 times (ok, maybe 3) to clean his teeth. Pink goes to her room to practice guitar and the song she is singing in an upcoming variety concert. I enjoy the peace and quiet while continuing with my cross stitch. I mean to get up and spend some time reading my bible before heading to bed but before I know it it's 11pm and I'm still stitching. Cross stitch is addictive you know.

11.15pm - Put a load of washing in the dryer, put the cats outside (they are frowning again) and turn in.

2am - Fisherman comes to bed. We briefly chat about I'm not sure what but I try to sound awake and interested.

Sowing

Sowing is in full swing for us. This year we will be sowing wheat, barley, oats and lupins. With two years of drought behind us, and rising fuel and fertiliser prices we considered reducing our cropping program, but have decided against that. I hope and pray we have made the right decision.


We are one of the lucky farmers in our district. While we don't enjoy the regular rainfall that others do, I am so thankful that my husband is a wise farmer. We have managed to maintain quality machinery and not go too far backwards so far. But we can only continue this for so long, at some stage you have to make a profit. We have had to go further into debt this year to put the crop in, so please pray that this drought will well and truly be broken.


At the moment Fisherman is driving the four wheel drive tractor which pulls the seeding unit. His brother drives the smaller tractor with the boomspray and tries to stay a few hours ahead of him so the chemical has time to settle. This means that Fisherman starts work at around 6am, and works until he has sown all the ground that his brother has sprayed (usually he comes home around 2am), and his brother gets up at 3am to have enough ground prepared for Fisherman to start sowing. So, effectively they are working around the clock.

I worry about the hours they work and the size of the machinery they operate on such little sleep.

Please pray for our crop to go in this year with no mishaps. Also pray for continued rain to sustain it and develop strong root systems.

Dear Lord, I pray that as the boys continue to work hard and long hours that you will watch over them and protect them. I pray also for widespread rain across our land to sustain the crops we are sowing and give hope to our community.

Beach Sports Day

Today Robbie had his last beach sports day. He goes to a very small primary school (19 students) and is in year 7 so next year it's off to high school. Each year all the small schools in our area (there are 4 of them) get together for a fun beach sports day. The day is about everyone just getting together, mixing with their peers and participating.

Today was a glorious day at the beach for Robbie's last beach sports day. He had a fabulous time with the old fashioned sack race, egg and spoon and sprints along the beach. It was bittersweet day for us. I'm worried about sending him to a big high school. The kids in the small schools are all so lovely. They lead a pretty protected and sheltered life in their schools and are taught to get along and interact with all age groups. My Robbie is such a sweet kid and I worry about how he will cope in a big school. He has a kind heart, and still has an innocence about him that his mum isn't ready to see him grow out of!

Anyway. Here are some pictures of our fabulous day. As you can see we are blessed with a beautiful white sandy beach nearby and weather today was magnificent.




Here is Robbie lined up to begin the sack race. He is third from the left in the blue shirt.

And here he is filling up the container for the fill the bucket with water relay. Don't think that's the proper name but all the kids had to run into the ocean, fill a small container with water and then carry it to the large bucket. The team who fills their big bucket first wins.


Thankyou Lord for the wonderful family day we had today. It was great to share the day with other school families and their children.

So far so good

Well my little girl had her first day of yer 10 yesterday. And she really enjoyed it. She doesn't have any teachers that she clashes with (yet) and enjoyed all her lessons (even math!). One of her biggest hurdles in life is learning when NOT to speak her mind. She got into trouble qute often last year for standing up for herself and what she believed in, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just needs a bit of fine tuning. Standing in front of the class and shouting at the teacher for losing your assignment isn't going to win friends. Said assignment was found by the way, the teacher had accidentally attached it to someone elses. He was also in the wrong as he found it after she had already re-done it and didn't have the courage to tell her himself, he got one of the other students to tell her. Which just made her even more angry with him and even more difficult to get along with.

My favourite little man started his last year in primary school yesterday. He goes to a very small school so nothing much changed for him. He has the same teacher, same classmates and same principal. He's not really enjoying school and is quite lacking in self confidence so that is something we really need to be aware and work on this year.

Dear Lord, I pray that both kids can do their very best this year, not only academically but also learn to get along with an array of different people and be a bit more tolerant and patient. I pray that they can foster healthy and rewarding friendships with their peers. Most of all I pray that they will get to know you better and learn to trust in you whenever they need a friend.

A new year is coming

So where did the last one go? I thought I might make a list of what I've achieved this year to inspire me to bigger and better things next year.
Now. Lets see.

• I didn't get any fatter. I only got mildly thinner but at least no fatter.
• I survived having three teenagers in my house (sometimes four with the boyfriend included) withouth committing any murders.
• I am learning to live with the fact that my little girl has a steady boyfriend. EEEEK!
• I started a creative writing course. Just for me.
• I had moments of tolerance and patience and I think I've come a long way in stopping and thinking rather than just reacting. Just need to teach this skill to DD now!
• I feel that I have moved forward in my faith.
• I finally took the leap and started worship leading, and it wasn't scary! I'm loving it!
• I'm not beating myself up about past transgressions anymore and I'm well on the way to truly believing that I am forgiven. That giant leap required the love of a beautiful friend (thanks Jodi) and a lovely Christian counselor.
• My house is tidy most of the time!

So, that was this year. My aims for next year are:

• To write in my prayer journal and spend time reading the Lords word at least three times a week (not including church!)
• To finish my writing course, and maybe attempt something to be published.
• To support my family and help them to get to know the Lord as I do, without nagging, sulking or bribing (these methods I have tried already with limited success).
• To leave the above to the Lord and let him speak through me.
• Lose another 5kg.
• To appreciate the things I have and be grateful.
• To tell my family and friends that I love them, not just at Christmas time.

Right. I think thats enough. Should keep me busy for the year! I will check back in a few months and see how I am doing!