Control Issues

I'm sure all who read this blog already know, but it's somewhat a revelation to me that I have control issues.

I've found that when I get "down" and start to feel hopeless it's because I'm feeling like I have no control over the situation.

I like to be in control.

I think I might be a control freak. Ssshhhh. Don't tell my family, do you think they know?

I get offended when Kym comes into the kitchen and tells me I'm burning the potatoes, or turns the heat down because he thinks I'm cooking something too fast. I hate that. What I really hate about it is that he's generally right. Does this mean we are both control freaks?

Do you think that my slightly obssesive desire to get my family in a church pew next to me is also a control thing? Sometimes I wonder at my motives. Do I want them there to save their souls or do I want them there for me? So I can feel that I have it all together, that I have my family where they are supposed to be.

I had a chat to Steph's counselor this week, and we discussed her fear of doing things on her own. She doesn't like to go to a doctor without me, doesn't like to shop without me, won't make her own hair appointments...basically she seems incapable of doing a lot of things that an almost 16 year old should be doing. Have I created this? Have I done too much for her?

This week I've come to a decision about work. When my boss arrives home from holidays next week I'm going to ask for a payrise. It's all very well to bang on about being undervalued but at some stage you have to do something about it. The feeling of taking control and doing something makes me feel better already, and I don't even know if I will get the payrise or not.

The biggest hurdle I had in the past with regard to my faith was accepting forgiveness. I have done some things that I couldn't forgive myself for, and therefore just couldn't understand how the Lord could forgive me. Thankfully I seem to be managing to get over that one. But now I have realised that I have a new hurdle. I need to let go. But how to you actually do that? I can say it, I can pray about it, but I still want to control it.

Lord, please help me give my life fully over to you, and let you take the reigns. Im sure I must be getting in the way, so please help me step aside. I lift my whole family up to you Lord, and leave them in your care and trust that you will lead them to where they need to be. Help me to remember that you are able, and that nothing is impossible for you.