It doesn't fit.

Yesterday I had the dubious task of finding a dress to wear to my daughter's 21st. I used to love dress shopping. Note the past tense. Yesterday it wasn't much fun at all. I did manage to find something that fits and looks as good as I'm going to look at the moment, which is about all I can hope for!

I have been on a healthy eating and exercise plan for about a week now. It's been 7 days since my last chocolate. It hasn't been pretty.

Well...to be honest it hasn't been that bad. Today is harder because I'm not at work, trying to keep busy and keep my mind off food! Took the dog to the beach for a walk which killed an hour or so, and made his day.

I've got a daughter who is a clean eating fanatic and a personal trainer. I so wish some of her enthusiasm would rub off on me. We have a month until her 21st. The dress I bought yesterday is a snug fit, won't hurt to lose a few kilo's, so that shall be my aim.

And now that I've said it out loud I have to do it!

Wish me luck!

Aaannnd...I'm going to church tomorrow. Not because I'm rostered to do something, or because someone has called asking where I am, but because I want to. Go me.

Just Rambling...

Hello friends.

I don't have a specific topic today. Just felt like a chat.

Have had a difficult week with number two child this week. Got some practice at not "fixing" it, and letting him suffer the consequences of his actions (or in this case, lack of actions). The issue seems to have righted itself for the moment. Not holding my breath though.

Harvest is in full swing. Well kind of. At a bit of a stand still at the moment because the weather isn't playing the game. Kym is having a rest for the weekend which he needs, so it's not all bad.

Faith wise, I'm still a bit rocky. Not sure what I'm going to do about that. Just feeling a bit stuck.

We had family photos taken a few weeks ago, those who see me on facebook would have seen the photos but I love this one of the kids. Makes me remember that I don't really want to smother them with a pillow. Well not all the time anyway.

Fix it..

I learned something in church today (go figure!)

I'm a fixer. What's known in psychology circles as a "rescuing parent". When stuff goes wrong for my family I fix it. It's who I am. It's what I do.

Today Andrew (our lay preacher) said something that struck a chord with me. He said that when he has a problem he jumps in straight away and tries to find a solution. Immediately. Straight away. And he's only just now learning to step back, take a breath and think first.

I do that. Scott's wasn't happy at school so I met with teachers, I talked to him to try to find out what the problem was. I tried everything I could think of to fix it. I even prayed. Eventually. But nothing I could do would fix it. It just didn't get fixed. He left school at the end of year 11 and I felt a failure.

Steph breaks a nail, she tells me, gets stung by a bee, tells me, needs a life in candy crush, tells me, has boyfriend trouble, tells me....and I fix and fix and fix and fix...

But the time has come to take a step back and breathe. I'm not doing them or myself any favours by trying to make everything perfect for them all the time. I know this in my head but in my heart I just want them happy. Because when they are happy I am happy.

So fix it Mum is going to try to stop. See what happens when the first problem arises...

Oh, and tomorrow Scott has a job interview...so any prayers would be much appreciated it. I'm still allowed to do that!

Dear Lord, please give me the wisdom to be able to advise my kids without taking on their problems for them. Help them to grow into independant adults who are able to make wise decisions and learn from their mistakes. Please be with Scott tomorrow as he attends a job interview, help him find the right answers to any questions he is asked and help his prospective employer see the wonderful young man that he is. In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Journey of Faith

My faith journey has been somewhat rocky this year...

We started out ok, pretty normal, and then I just didn't find time for regular church. And that's where the trouble started.

I set myself a goal of reading the bible in a year, and got stuck at March, and then started to beat myself up. More trouble.

I failed at being a good Christian, asked forgiveness, failed again, asked forgiveness, failed again, asked forgiveness, failed again.... until in about April I threw my hands in the air and GAVE UP.

I decided that if I couldn't be a good Christian then I would be a Christian at all. Plenty of people seem to get through life with less drama and hassle than me without God. So I decided that God didn't exist. Stamped my feet, stuck my tongue out and blew a big fat raspberry skyward.

That lasted until I went to bed that night, and said my usual prayer before going to sleep...only I thought, hang on, who are you praying to? You can't pray to God if you don't believe in him. After a silent little argument with myself I decided FINE. You do exist. But I'm ignoring you. So there.

That lasted right up until late July when the wheels fell off. Scott got a new job. We packed him up, found him a rental, moved him in. And two weeks later he quit. Just like that. Hated it so he quit. At which point I literally fell to my knees and said sorry. I'm sorry for trying to do it myself. I'm nothing without you. I can't do it alone.

Since then has been a slow and long recovery. It's like getting divorced and trying to start over. I feel like I've cheated. I'm beating myself up again and a few times I've almost quit again. Almost. God isn't letting go so easily this time. He got me back to church with a phone call to remind me that it's my turn to lead worship. He's been bombarding me daily with scripture on facebook, on my kindle, in my devotions. Everything I read seems to point me back to the One.

Lord, I know I can't do it alone, but I still try. Please help me to surrender myself and my life to you completely. Help me to trust in your plan. In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Life the universe and everything...

Well it's been over twelve months and I feel the need to blog again.

It's just nice to write it down, and I miss writing.

This year we are anticipating the biggest, most amazing harvest in LIVING MEMORY. Well, my living memory anyway, that's still a pretty long time.I can't get over how wonderful everything looks, so lush and green, the crop is so thick it looks like you could walk on it.

Scott decided not to continue with school this year (well, he refused), so did a mining course instead. Perfect attendance, excellent grades and references from his tutors - amazing what a difference it made to study something he was interested in. He's now just playing the waiting game, he decided he wanted to get into mining pretty much just as the bottom fell out of it here in South Australia. But it will come back. It always does. In the meantime he's working with his Dad on the farm and he will be really busy working for a bulk grain handler during harvest. By the looks of the crops, very busy. Did I say they look amazing??

Steph finished her administration traineeship and is now working in a health market and cafe. Loves it. Health food is right up her alley. She's also studying (again), a Diploma in Fitness this time. I think she will just merrily go through life collecting qualifications until she happens on the career she wants. It's been lovely having her near by. We see her around once per week which is lovely.

Faith this year for me has and continues to be a stuggle, but that's a journey I will blog about later. Can't do it all at once!

Lord, thankyou for the continued rain and for the crops we have in our paddocks. I pray now for an uneventful, speedy harvest with no accidents, breakdowns or freyed tempers. Thank you for the health of Kym, Steph and Scott and for continually watching over them. Please help me to be the best wife, Mum and child of God that I can be. In your precious name. Amen.

The Other Grandpa

This handsome devil is my other Grandfather, George. He is four years younger than Grandpa Bates in my previous post. A spring chicken at 89.

On Tuesday, completely out of the blue he passed away while at home, sitting in his favourite chair. He wasn't unwell, or in any pain, and had his wife and daughter (my mum) with him.

He isn't the Grandparent we've been worrying about!

Grandad was a war hero. Although you would never hear him say that. He fought in world war two, came home and never spoke of it again. He never accepted his medals. It was a chapter of his life that he just didn't want to acknowledge and we had to respect that.

Grandad was an awesome dancer. He taught me to waltz, some of my fondest memories are of going to dances with my grandparents.

Grandad made the best cup of tea EVER. He passed on his love of a good pot of tea to me, and to Stephanie. I remember very early on feeling very special with my very own cup of tea brewed for me by Grandad.

Grandad was funny, gruff, sarcastic, witty, grumpy and kind. There were a lot of people who were a bit wary of Grandad, he was gruff, but he had a heart of gold, and he didn't scare me. Mum says right from when I was a toddler he would growl and grumble and I would just climb into his lap and that would be grumbling over!

On Tuesday Kym and I will fly to Queensland to say goodbye to Grandad. It's bittersweet. I will see family that I haven't seen in a long time, but saying goodbye will be hard. We were planning a big birthday this year when Grandad would have turned 90, and Steph 20 on the same day. It was only yesterday that we had a party for their 10th and 80th birthdays.

Dear Lord. Please be with Nana, and Mum and Dad as they prepare for the funeral and adjust to life without him around. Please be with all the family as we travel to and from Queensland. Amen

Grandpa

Poor Kym got a bit of a fright yesterday.

He decided it was a nice day to go fishing so went to our favourite beachside town where the boat is kept in Grandpa's backyard.

He knocked on Grandpa's door to say hello and got no response so went ahead and got the boat ready to take out. While doing that he heard a crash so went and found the spare key and let himself in to investigate. He found Grandpa passed out on the floor, eyes open, barely breathing and not responding to Kym at all.

So the fishing trip turned into an ambulance trip to hospital where Grandpa is resting now. He's really tired and just wants to sleep but they didn't find anything actually wrong with him.

Grandpa is fiercely independent, and very stubborn.At 93 he is living at home on his own, cooking for himself, and looking after himself. He even still drives (which scares the life out of me). We are going to have to revisit the "you shouldn't be living on your own" argument which we have had a few times now. But seriously, what would have happened if Kym didn't decide to go fishing yesterday morning? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Kym was a bit shaken up by the whole encounter. He thought Grandpa had died, and it really scared him. Didn't scare Grandpa at all though, he knows where he's going, and is well aware that his days on this earth are numbered.

But we aren't ready to let him go. Not yet.

 
Here is Grandpa on his 90th birthday 3 years ago. He's not just Grandpa, he's Great Grandpa to Steph and Scott, and Great Great Grandpa to my nephews little girl. In the background are photos of his great grandchildren (Steph on the left as a baby, then Steph and Scott). He is so loved and cherished, a wonderful, kind, softly spoken, God fearing man. Such an example to us all.



Dear Lord, thankyou for sending Kym to Grandpa's yesterday so that he was able to help him when he needed it. Please help the family do what is best for Grandpa, and not what is convenient for them, please be with him as he rests in hospital today and help him recover quickly. In your precious name. Amen.

The Australian Coat of Arms...

The Australian Coat of Arms depicts a kangaroo and an emu.

Today the Australian Coat of Arms is not my friend...

Kangaroos are in plague proportions around our property at the moment. There is a lot of green about and that means happy kangaroos and very unhappy farmers. And drivers. VERY unhappy drivers.

I have one particularly unhappy driver in my house tonight. His beloved car is now sporting some rather fetching scratches all down one side, a damaged bumper, and a missing rearview mirror. The kangaroo is fine. He dodged that and went into the bushes. Sigh. I'm grateful he's ok. But it's a hassle. And he is one VERY unhappy camper at the moment....

Lord, thankyou for watching over Scott and keeping him safe. I know that cars are replaceable and lives are not. May he learn from his mistakes and take our sometimes dangerous country roads a little slower and more cautiously in the future. Thankyou for bringing him home in one piece. Amen.

WAH!!

Sometimes I wonder if it is really too much to ask to have both my children happy, content and independent. I'm not saying I want them to be rocket scientists, or neurologists, or the prime minister. Just happy and independent! Seriously, is that so much to ask?

It would appear so. One of my children is happy and almost independent. The other is miserable and extremely dependent. He is skipping school (again), being sullen (still), and has been in a bad temper since 2009! I'm over it! We have tried punishment, encouragement, bribery, tantrums (from both of us), tears (mine), predictions of doom (you won't get a job, you will be living with your parents forever), and I'm all out of ideas.

Tomorrow I have a meeting at the school (again, soon I will get my own parking space). I'd really appreciate your prayer as we try to nut out where to from here.

Lord, please speak to Scott's heart and fill him with your love and power. Help him find direction and purpose and the will to follow the path that you choose for him. Help me with the right words at the right time. I place him in your hands Lord. Amen.

Beginnings and Endings

Today was Steph's first day in her new job as a receptionist. She enjoyed herself and is really happy to have finally found full time work.

Her happiness is tinged with sadness at the news over the weekend that one of her friends died on Friday night after a fall. He'd been drinking, but wasn't drunk, tripped and fell, hitting his head in exactly the wrong spot. He was 18 years old.

Mike wasn't a really close friend of Steph's, but he was someone who always had a kind word for her, always asked how she was going, and just genuinely cared for people. He touched the lives of many of his peers and was just one of those all round nice guys.

I can't imagine the pain his parents and family must be feeling. Steph is at a loss as to how to comfort her friends who were really close to Mike. It's just a terribly sad time for the youth of the community.

Dear Lord, thankyou for Steph's job, and thankyou that she enjoyed her first day. Please be with all those touched by Mike and who are dealing with his death. Please be with his family and friends and offer them comfort in this sad time. Amen.

Proud Moments

Last night Scott was partner to a young lady for her debutante ball.

After all the frustration and worry this boy has caused it was lovely to just feel proud, and when I saw him all dressed in his suit, and behaving like the perfect gentleman I was indeed proud!

Here he is putting Kelsey's corsage on her wrist.

Walking down the hall, standing up straight, hand behind his back, just like he was told! He IS capable of doing what he is told! There is hope!

And here he is with his big sister.  I love these kids so much it hurts sometimes.

Dear Lord. Please keep Scott and Steph safe, please speak to their hearts and let them hear your voice, feel your presence and be drawn to you. Amen.

Relationships...

It's never easy when a relationship ends.

Steph has recently broken up with her boyfriends, which I was actually quite pleased about, and they seemed to handle it very well. Both of them. They were still talking, still friendly, still very civilised.

Were.

Today it all went a bit pear shaped. She found some things out about him that were probably best left in the past, confronted him, and got very angry. She was ok, but now is feeling betrayed and angry. I've said all the things that I'm supposed to say. It's in the past. Leave it there. Just confirms that she's made the right decision...you know...all the wise words.

Didn't make any difference of course. She's still very angry, but she's kind of accepting as well. Personally I think she's dodged a bullet, and a little pain now is better than a whole world of it later on.

So I'd appreciate prayers for her as she heals. And prayers for her as she looks for a job.

Lord, please be with Steph as she deals with whatever has come up from the past. Help her understand that there's nothing she can do to change it, and it needs to stay behind her. Please be with her when she attends her job interviews tomorrow, and help her find a place where she feels at home and safe.

Skipping church

I skipped church this morning...I do that way too often. It's selfish, and the "easy road" and it makes me feel a little empty for the coming week.

I skip church for several reasons, today was just plain exhaustion, and longing for a day at home. Sometimes it's sport or family commitments, sometimes it's because we have gone away, sometimes it's to please Kym and spend time with him. He used to be quite jealous of the time I spend at church, he's not really anymore but I still sense a resentment at times. So at times I take the easy way out.

So now I'm feeling a bit empty, and a bit detached. Obviously the answer is to spend time with the Lord in prayer and in reading my bible. Which I will do. Right now :)

Dear Lord, please help me stay close to you. Please be with Scott, Stephanie, Kym and Alex now. Please help Steph settle in her new home, and find work. Please help Scott find faith and focus. Please be with Alex as he adjusts to life without Stephanie, and help him get his finances under control. Please be with Kym Lord. I see steps toward you and then he pulls away again. Please help him turn to you. In your precious name. Amen.

Cracked Pot

I'm a cracked pot.

I've got cracks, chips and chinks in my armour but I'm trying really hard to put on the armour of God, and not let my lack of faith and feelings of unworthyness get in the way of my relationship with my Lord.

I know that my day is always better when I start it with a conversation with the Lord. And yet, even though I know what I SHOULD be doing, and I know that I will feel better for it, I still forget often. It's just like dieting. I know what I should be doing....sigh.

So I shall start again. Starting right now.

Dear Lord, help me to start, finish and live my entire day for you. Help me make you not just my number one priority but my only priority, because if I put you where you belong then I know that everything else will take care of itself. Help me to remember to look to you always, praise you always, honour you always. These things I pray in the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Have a little faith...

Hello folks! Yes! She lives!

I've decided that I need to get the thoughts out of my head, so obviously I need to get back into blogging.

To catch you up.... Steph moved last week back to the Eyre Peninsula (which I firmly believe is an answer to prayer). She broke up with her boyfriend (who she moved in with against our wishes) and decided that she just wanted to come home.

Sounds simple enough. Not. She's fine, feels she's done the right thing, and I'm inclined to agree with her, but it's not a simple transition. She gave up her job and is now job hunting again, which is frustrating for her. She also signed a lease with the boyfriend so we are still paying rent in Adelaide until he finds someone to live with him. Their internet account is in my name which needs to be transferred. None of these are insurmountable issues, but a hassle. Alex was fine, co-operative, civilized about the whole thing. Was. Now he's texting Steph saying he's sorry for whatever he did and can she just come back, he's TERRIBLE with money and she has been propping him up for months and now he's scared he can't cope without her. I'm annoyed with him, but I do feel bad for him too. He needs to learn some hard lessons, like how to manage his money, how to prioritize, save, budget etc but I don't want him to suffer. He's an atheist, but he's not a terrible person!

Steph is very stressed out, she's feeling terrible for the financial burden she has caused (even though I've reassured here that her happiness and safety is more important than money). I just hope he doesn't wear her down and guilt her into going back. I don't think that will happen, but you never know.

So some wise words would be very much appreciated ladies! I have to say, having Steph not far away (she's about an hour and a half drive now) makes me rest easier. I hated having her so far away. I don't know how people get used to that.

As for the other child, he's still being stubborn, non communicative and difficult. Teenage boys. Ugh.

Dear Lord, please watch over Steph, Scott and Alex tonight. Please be with Steph as she adjusts to her new home and looks for work, please help her find something soon. Please surround her with the people that she needs to be with Lord, to point her to you. Please be with Scott as he spends time with his friends, help him remember that it's a huge responsibility to be the one driving the car, and that he has his friends lives in his hands. Please help him find focus and show him a clear path. Also please be with Alex tonight as he comes to terms with the changes in his life. Help him let go and move on, and learn to manage his finances and his life successfully. Please show him your love, and that you are the only path to true peace. In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Blessings

How things can change in the space of a week.

This year has been a major rollercoaster ride for me, and this week is a peak!

Stephanie arrived home on Monday afternoon, and I've slept so well and am feeling so rested now. Amazing how well you sleep when both your kids are safe and well and under the same roof as you!

Steph seems in a good place at the moment. She has been seeing a counsellor that she really likes and feels that it's helping her. She has come off her anti depressants (under supervision) and other than some side effects of feeling sick and dizzy is doing pretty well.

It's just such a joy to have her home. On Monday night Kym tucked her in and gave her a kiss goodnight...she loved it. Really means a lot to her when her Dad shows affection. They've always been close but I think being apart has strengthened that. They are spending today out in the boat fishing which is a passtime they both love. Yesterday we had a girls lunch and Steph had her hair done and tomorrow she is visiting friends so she is having a restful and relaxing week catching up with those she loves.

There will still be peaks and troughs with this girl. I know that. But for the moment I'm going to enjoy the peak while it lasts.

....

Couldn't come up with a title. No idea what I'm going to chat about, just thought I would start typing and see what comes out...this should be interesting...

Been feeling a bit low just lately (you may have noticed that). Not feeling particularly worthy or a very good Christian. I feel like that a lot...

Last night I practiced with some fantastic people for worship tomorrow. I'm worship leading a combined service which is kind of a big deal for me. I'm feeling a bit out of my comfort zone. I've song lead for a large congregation before, but not actually worship lead...as in have to do something other than sing.

And I thought singing was all I was going to be doing this time. But our ministers wife (who is an awesome singer, and is singing with me) put me on the spot a bit. Firstly she suggested that I do the call to worship and welcome. That's cool. I can manage that. Then half way through practice she thought one of the songs would be enhanced with a prayer in the middle of that...and Sharon are you able to do that? Um...what? I'm struggling to pray for myself let alone pray publicly. I already feel like a fraud for having the audacity to lead worship with singing let alone praying, out loud, in front of 100 odd people, with a microphone. hmmm

I like to plan things and be organised. But I feel pressured to just come up with something and not have it written down. It's freaking me out just a tad.

On the up side, singing worship songs last night really did give me a lift. Momentarily. Not sure what my problem is. I feel like I need to give myself a good slap.

Dear Lord, please help me get over whatever my problem is at the moment. Please be with Stephanie as she deals with continuing issues in her life, help her to think before she speaks and to remember always that she is your Princess. Actually help me to remember that too. Please be with me tomorrow as I lead worship. Help me to remember that it's all about you and any misgivings or failings that I have will be more than made up for with your grace. Amen.

I can feel myself slipping again...

I've long had a tendency to let things get on top of me and fall into a bit of a hole.

And it has a whole lot to do with how much time I'm spending with the Lord, and where I'm sitting with my faith. At the moment the answer to the above is none at all (time with the Lord) and shakey (faith).

I've been actively encouraging Steph to turn to the Lord lately, more so than I ever have before. And I have to admit that makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrite. Because I'm not exactly practising what I'm preaching. And to be completey honest I can feel my faith slipping away. I'm wondering and questioning and just plain frustrated.

Obviously the answer to all this is to pray. But that just makes me feel hyprocritical again. Sigh.

Learning Experience

Well! Yesterday was quite the learning experience for Steph.

She went to the tattoo studio for work experience. They forgot she was coming and were in the middle of renovating so got her to help with that. She was happy to do that, doesn't mind doing a bit of painting.

All was going well until lunch when the alcohol came out. She thought that odd to be drinking at work, and declined the offer to join them. Then things really went downhill. Out came marijuana, cocaine (which Steph had never even seen before), and some pills which she had no idea what they were. They offered to share and thought she was an extremely strange girl to decline. Afterall everyone does it....ummmm.....no. Not everybody.

Needless to say she was out of there as soon as she could. And she isn't going back.

So...that brought back the "why me" factor. Why does everything bad happen to me. Why doesn't anything good ever happen.

And she is back together with the boyfriend. Just fabulous.

On Saturday she has an appointment with a counsellor. I'm really hoping and praying that it will help.

Lord, please help Steph sort herself out. Help her to look to you for guidance. Help her to open up and learn to help herself.

Things that make you go hmmmm...

Stephanie dropped a bit of a bombshell today... she wants to find an apprenticeship as a tattoo artist...excuse me?? A what?? And she's sent art work to a few studios in Adelaide and has been asked to come in and see one on Thursday. What?? Hmmmm.

I'm not sure what to think. Like I said. Hmmm. As you can see by the sample below, she can certainly draw... but drawing on people? Hmmm.

Steph has always had a fascination with tattoos. But I never realised she was considering it as a career option. I've always thought of tattoos as being a bit...well...dark and sinister. I know there are lots of prominent Christians who have them. And they aren't just the brand of bikie gangs anymore...but still. Hmmm.

I responded in the supportive parent method of response... told her that if thats what she really wants to do then chase that dream but I'm still picturing my little girl surrounded by big burly blokes wearing leather. She has been to the place where she has her interview on Thursday, and assures me that most of their clientele are students and young women. Really? Seriously? Am I that out of touch???

Anyway. In other news she is still persisting with the boyfriend. They almost broke up yesterday, which I'm afraid to admit I was happy about. She has coloured her hair now because he likes girls with dark hair. Puhlease. I just want to slap her.

Dear Lord, I pray that whatever path Stephanie takes in life that she will take her along with you. I know she is feeling lost at the moment, and feels that things keep going wrong for her, please let her feel your presence and your love. Help her be strong enough to do what is right for her. Please watch over her as she recovers from her cold. Amen.