Where did she go?

The little princess on the right is my daughter Stephanie. She was almost three years old and a flower girl in Kym's sisters wedding.

I look at photos like this and I feel sad. Where did this sweet little girl go? Sometimes I get disheartened and think that she will never grow into the wonderful person she could. Sometimes I think this obnoxious teenager is here to stay and I forget the fragile little person inside her.

Of course she isn't obnoxious all the time.... sometimes it just feels that way. She can be so much fun, such wonderful company. Sometimes she shows such maturity and concerns for others that it takes me by surprise....and then out comes the monster again. The one who demands, complains and pouts, who is rude, uncaring and disrespectful.

When she behaves like this it takes all my self control to stop myself from snapping, from biting back, from hurting her in the same way that she hurts me. It's hard being the adult sometimes. And sometimes I fail.

I have to keep remembering that the sweet innocent little girl is still in there. She is taken hostage at times but she is still there. And she is still vulnerable. And she still needs her Mum.


Lord, I pray that Stephanie will reach her full potential. That she can use her gifts for your glory and that she will grow strong in your love.

Return to the netball court.

I love netball. I love feeling part of a team. When I'm on the court time just flies, I enjoy every minute. Well, almost every minute.

I haven't played netball in two years. Four years ago I had a full knee reconstruction (my second one on that leg). It took a year to recover from that and then I was back on the court. But it wasn't the same. My knee didn't feel stable at. all. I didn't give my best because I was fearful of hurting it again, my memory of what that feels like was too recent and vivid. So after that season I decided to call it quits.

In the two years since I have coached and umpired. I've still enjoyed being a part of our club, I've even coached a team to a premiership. But it's not the same as being an actual member of the team.

So this year I've decided to give it another go.

I had my first training last Thursday. It went pretty well. I had forgotten my knee brace so I took it fairly easy. I managed to play a game without hurting myself (always a bonus!). I felt pretty good afterward.

And the next day my knee was a littel sore, which I expected. The rest of my body was a little sore, also to be expected.

Then came Saturday. I woke up and EVERY single muscle in my body ached. It hurt to sneeze. It hurt to breathe. I started to wonder at the wisdom of making a return to this game when I'll be turning 40 this year. *shudder* enough said about that!

Yesterday and today my knee has been misbehaving. I'm not amused. Just now when I was carrying my cuppa back to my desk it almost completely gave out. I was only walking! I could have spilled my coffee! The horror!

So, I'm thinking it's time to pay my dear friend Melissa a visit. She is a physio (I know, she sews debutante dresses, plays piano beautifully AND she is a physio...is there nothing the woman can't do?). Of course if she tells me not to play netball I will be left with only one choice. To ignore her.

Squash tonight. We shall see how the old knee holds up to that.

Gobsmacked

Last night, after my wonderful husband and I sat down and watched Fireproof together I was a bit, well gobsmacked!

First of all, I said after dinner that I was going to watch a movie, which we were thinking about circulating around church for other couples to watch. So there was no ambiguity about what kind of movie it was. We have three televisions and yet Kym chose to watch Fireproof with me.

Gobsmacked.

Not only did he watch it, but he enjoyed it! There is a wonderful, moving and powerful message to this movie but there are also some lighthearted moments, a bit of action and of course some romance so it catered to everyone.

I was a bit concerned he would lose interest and leave once it started to get to the heart of the matter. That you can't maintain true love unless you commit your life to Jesus. But no. He stayed. He listened.

Again. Gobsmacked.

After the movie I had to go outside. I was a bit overwhelmed with this huge blessing that the Lord has given me. I wanted to thank Him, praise Him, shout His name from the rooftops. Instead I just cried, and laughed, and said thankyou over and over. Not very eloquent but I'm hoping the Lord caught my meaning!

Now after the wonder of that beautiful hour and a half that I spent in my husbands and the Lords company I'm starting to doubt. To second guess. To think that he only watched it with me to humour me. I'm afraid to hope.

I have purchased the book "The Love Dare" and hope to encourage Kym to participate in doing it together. Not that I think our marriage is in trouble, but I'm hoping that it will be an experience that can bring us closer together, and closer to the Lord.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to spend time hearing your word with my husband by my side. I pray that the movie had as much impact on Kym as it did on me, and that together we can grow closer to you and serve you with all our hearts.

Hope

As many of you may be aware, I am married to someone who refuses to go to church.

I won't go so far as to say he isn't a Christian, because to be honest I can't be sure. There are times when he has shared with me that he does pray, that he does believe in the Lord, and then he will contradict himself and say it's all rubbish.

I am hopeful though. He hasn't said it's all rubbish in quite some time. I feel as though we are progressing (although at times I think it's soooo slow!).

There have been a few signs of hope that I thought I would share, as much to remind myself to be hopeful more than anything.

• Last week I mentioned that the spine on my Bible is torn, and he offered to fix it.
• I have become more involved in the leadership group of our church, so far with no opposition from Kym (which hasn't always been the case). He is even interested to hear about how my meetings went.
• I no longer feel I have to hide the fact that I'm reading my bible, or writing in my prayer journal. In the past this has been a cause for conflict but I no longer feel I need to hide it to keep the peace.
• I am the secretary of our congregation and recently decided to skip a meeting in favour of spending time with Kym. He didn't expect that, he would have been happy for me to go and put off our afternoon together for another time. In the past this would have been an issue, he was constantly jealous of the time I spent in church if it interfered with his plans.
• He no longer baits me about evolution. Kym loves nature shows and used to really enjoy winding me up about the evolution theory.
• He just seems to be softening in general. I don't know if or when he will ever come to church with me but I feel a new certainty that he will join me in heaven, and that's the important bit.
• Dear friends have been praying for us, and feeling led to pray for us and this keeps me encouraged, and reminds me that the Lord has not forgotten.

There have been many other little things. Just things that come up in conversation, the fact the church and the Lord does come up in coverstaion at all is a positive. I used to avoid the subject, but now feel that I can speak my mind.

We still have a way to go. I think we always will, but I'm feeling encouraged and confident that the Lord will not leave Kym behind (or me for that matter!).

Lord, thankyou for showing me these encouraging signs that Kym's heart is softening toward you. I pray that he will let you enter his heart completely and one day we will be able to worship you together.

Dental Dramas...again

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dentist for the last treatment for my root canal. All that needed to be done was fill the roots as they had all been filed out (sounds enticing doesn't it) and fill the tooth.

But no.

It would seem that when it comes to my teeth nothing is ever simple or straightforward.

My dentist decided to take an xray of the tooth once he had it all cleaned out and ready to fill just to be sure everything was as it should be and all those lovely long sharp pointy pins were in the right place. Which of course they weren't. Another half an hour of filing, drilling, scraping, poking and jabbing and he took another xray. This time all was in order. Thank the Lord. You know how I said I'd been having trouble committing myself to prayer? Well I think I made up for that yesterday, although some of it could be mistaken for frustrated nagging.

So after that little hiccup I have had the roots filled but not the filling on top. That is still some temporary plug thingy that needs to be replaced with a proper filling when the tooth settles down in a couple of weeks.

This tooth is at the top, at the very back and so pretty difficult to get to. After one and a half hours I was having real trouble keeping my mouth open. And I wasn't sure if it was my jaw that was hurting or my tooth, but let me tell you something was really hurting! It was my jaw, which is still a bit sore today. The tooth is a bit tender which I was told to expect but I haven't had to take any pain relief which the dentist said may be neccesary.

Of course after that thrilling hour and a half spent reclining in the torturers chair I got another painful surprise.

I have health insurance with dental cover. The best dental cover we could find. And still the gap was over $300 (the full account was around the $800 mark) That was just for that treatment. Not the whole thing. I haven't added up how much it's cost me over the course of all my appointments. It's probably best if I don't know. And the annoying part is that it's STILL. NOT. FINISHED!!!!!!!

*Sigh*

Good Intentions

I have good intentions when it comes to my prayer life, and living in the word of the Lord.

But I seem to be experiencing a great deal of difficulty putting my intentions into actions.

For one thing, I can't find my bible. Sure I have other bibles in the house, but I want mine.

My prayer journal is sitting on my dressing table gathering dust.... and would you believe.... cobwebs. I look at it every morning. You would think I could at least dust the poor thing, or even better pick it up and use it.

I think of these things at work, driving to and from work, and I think to myself "I must make a commitment" but then I get home and I don't give it another thought until the next morning when I see my poor forlorn, dust ridden, cobwebby prayer journal on the dresser.

I remember how it feels to feel you are sitting in the palm of the Lord's hand. To feel that you are close to God, to feel that He is speaking to you through His word. I want to be in that place again, I just don't seem to be able to make the move and pick up that prayer journal.

Lord, please help me to remember that I need you in my life. Remind me when I get all caught up in my responsibilites that it's all so much easier if I'm looking to You for direction.