It's not about me...

I don't know about you, but "it's not all about you" is a sentence I find myself saying to my teenage daughter a lot.

But a post I read this morning (thankyou Leah) got me thinking...it's not about me either!

As a worship leader it's pretty easy to fall into the trap of thinking it is about you. I stand in front of the congregation on a Sunday, using my talents to serve the Lord. Well, that's how it's supposed to be. People come up to me after the service and thank me, congratulate me, and tell me I'm doing a great job. And that's where it would be really easy to fall into the self indulgent trap of self gratification.

There are a few in our congregation who love to listen to me sing, which is very flattering! They often comment that I don't always use the microphone while we are singing. I tend to only sing into the microphone when we are learning a new song, or to alert people when to start singing. I feel that if we are singing a well known song they don't really need me. Afterall they aren't there to listen to me.

Which is all very well....except I'm a singer. I love to perform. I enjoy being the centre of attention. And sometimes I find myself singing more new songs than well known ones and that's when I have to question my motives.

A church service is not a concert. We are there to worship our Lord, as one, as a family, not to listen to a worship leader who loves to perform....

I don't think there is anything wrong with loving to perform. There is just a time and a place for it.

Here is a quote from Charles Swindoll, that I read on Leah's blog this morning. It really spoke to me and reminded me that worship leading is exactly that. Worship.

“Humble yourself. Rather than racing into the limelight, we need to accept our role in the shadows. I’m serious here. Don’t promote yourself. Don’t push yourself to the front. Don’t drop hints. Let someone else do that. Better yet, let God do that. If you’re great, trust me, the word will get out. You’ll be found…in God’s time. If you’re necessary for the plan, God will put you in the right place at just the precise time. God’s work is not about us; it’s His production, start to finish. So back off. Let Him pull the curtains and turn on the stage lights.”

"If you are necessary for the plan, God will put you in the right place as just the precise time". Wow. There's a piece of humble pie Sharon. "IF" you are necessary.

As Michael W Smith says in one of my very favourite worship songs "It's all about you, it's all about you Jesus".

Lord, thankyou for giving me the gifts you have to enable me to lead worship for your glory. Please help me to remember that it really is all about you.

Beauty From Pain

Beauty from Pain is a song by Superchick that Stephanie is listening to a lot lately.

As I'm sure you know Superchick are a fantastic Christian rock band. Their songs are meaningful, beautiful and sometimes controversial. They write about issues facing teenagers of today like self harm, eating disorders, depression and bullying, with a Christian viewpoint.

I would put a youtube link in here now if I knew how to share the song with you, but I'm not that clever!

While I'm thrilled that Stephanie is listening to a Christian band, I'm a little nervous that this is the song she seems to listen to a lot.

My whole world is the pain inside me,
The best I can do is just get through the day.
When life before is only a memory,
I wonder why God let's me walk through this place.

Is this how she really feels? The song goes on to reassure you that God will see you through any trial and He will never leave you but I'm not sure Stephanie is hearing that right now...I'm not even sure that she believes in God anymore.

The chorus is full of hope, I just hope she is hearing it.

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Lord, I pray that Stephanie is hearing you speak to her through this beautiful song. I pray that she hears the promise, that you will always stand by her, and you will bring her through this difficult time that she is experiencing.

Am I getting in the way?

Something I read while relaxing in a nice warm bubble bath just now has got me thinking...

Am I getting in the Lords way?

How do I know whether or not my attempts to help Stephanie are hindering the Lord?

Does the mere fact that I'm contemplating this mean that I am, indeed, getting in the way?

I guess the best course of action for me to take now is to hand her over, get my hands off in order to let him do his stuff.

Lord, help me to reliquish Stephanie completely into Your hands. I know I've done this before but I keep wanting to snatch her back, out of my own fear and lack of faith. Forgive me for forgetting that I must surrender every aspect of her life to You. I know I can trust You to bring her through this dark period she is having, in whatever way You see fit. Help me to let go and give Stephanie to You unreservedly. I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Baring your soul

Baring your soul is hard. Especially in front of people, people you know, people who thought they knew you.

Today at church myself and a dear friend Melissa ran the service. Once a month we have a family service where a family or an individual from the congregation co-ordinates the service.

Melissa and I got together and decided our theme this week would be "come as you are". We organised lots of great songs, a couple of nice warm fuzzie readings, a dvd clip showing a girl feeling out of place, and then Melissa thought it might be a good idea to ask people to share a time when they have felt they didn't belong.

She started the ball rolling with a great story of her own, funny, eloquent, with a great message. The whole time she was talking I was waging a battle in my own head, it went something like this.

You have to share your thoughts.

No.

You are being prompted to share your story, so you have to obey.

No. I'll cry. I hate crying.

I can't talk and cry, my face wrinkles up and my voice goes all squeeky.

They won't understand a word, so no point doing it.

God, if I share my story please help me out by letting me not cry.

Can I have a sign? Do we have a deal? Hello?

Please please please help me keep it together.

Maybe if you write it down and read it out you won't cry.

(madly scribbles on back of order of service)

She is almost finished.

Nope. Can't do it. Hate crying.

Melissa then finished up her story and handed me the microphone, where I was to introduce the next song.

I took the microphone, and my little story badly scribbled, and stood up. I just felt compelled to share what I had written. And I cried (I was a bit cross about this!, but have decided that perhaps I needed to show how I really felt, which meant crying) But I managed to get through it and get my message across. It went something like this:

My story isn't as witty or amusing as Melissa's, but I feel I need to share it regardless. I have often felt out of place right here, in this church. (voice wobbles) I turn up every week (ok, most weeks) without a husband, and often without children to what is a fantastic family church. (start sniffling here). I've come to realise though, that the standards that I feel I can't live up to aren't God's standards, but my own. (not sure if they understood any of this through gulps, sniffles and deep breaths). I'm finally getting it through my thick head that I can come here and belong, no matter where I am in my life, because the Lord will always meet me wherever I am.

Now, I didn't say much, but it took me a while, and I felt such a sense of releif. Almost like I really needed to say it. Obviously I did really need to say it or the Lord wouldn't have poked and prodded me until I did.

Lord, thank you that you meet me where ever I am at. Thank you that you love me just as I am, and that your love is unconditional. I pray that I can continue to work on my insecurities and grow closer and closer to you each day.

Good Enough

I am not a good person. This bothers me. I want to be good. I try to be good. I find it really hard to keep failing. It's hard to pick yourself up, ask for forgiveness and keep trying. There is always this voice inside my head (well, there are many, but one in particular!) that asks me why I even bother trying. I will never be good enough.

But that's the point isn't it. None of us are ever going to be good enough. And yet the Lord still calls us His Sons and Daughters, still cares about every aspect of our lives, every time we stray he wants us back.

I think this notion of unconditional love is the thing I struggle with the most. I read about it. I hear about it. I know it in my head. But at times I have trouble really believing it. I long for that deep certainty, that unwavering and radical faith that I hear others speak about. It's a bit like when you can't remember a song lyric or person's name. It's right there, but the harder you try to grasp it, the further it slips away.

I want to live in the word, I want to believe with absolute certainty that my Lord and Saviour is there for me. Am I complicating things by thinking about it too much? Am I making it harder than it needs to be?

Walls

We talked in church this morning about building walls around our hearts, and not letting Jesus inside.

I feel like I've hit a wall lately. I don't know why exactly, and I can't pinpoint the problem, but I feel stuck. I don't even know what my wall is, I just know that I've hit it. And at the moment I just don't have the energy to try to climb it or go around it.

It's not work, I'm enjoying my new job, and it's not home, everything is calm and peaceful here (for the moment).

The fact that I've not picked up my bible in three weeks could have something to do with it. I have kept my prayers going, but I've let life get in the way of spending time with the Lord. Even at church this morning I felt disconnected, and had to make a conscious effort to speak to people. Worship even had some of my favourite songs with my favourite leader, and still I felt, I don't know, just not really there.

I feel like I'm letting Satan win at the moment, and I just don't have the energy to fight.

I want to pray, but can't find the words, so if someone out there can help, I'd appreciate it.

Sowing

Sowing is in full swing for us. This year we will be sowing wheat, barley, oats and lupins. With two years of drought behind us, and rising fuel and fertiliser prices we considered reducing our cropping program, but have decided against that. I hope and pray we have made the right decision.


We are one of the lucky farmers in our district. While we don't enjoy the regular rainfall that others do, I am so thankful that my husband is a wise farmer. We have managed to maintain quality machinery and not go too far backwards so far. But we can only continue this for so long, at some stage you have to make a profit. We have had to go further into debt this year to put the crop in, so please pray that this drought will well and truly be broken.


At the moment Fisherman is driving the four wheel drive tractor which pulls the seeding unit. His brother drives the smaller tractor with the boomspray and tries to stay a few hours ahead of him so the chemical has time to settle. This means that Fisherman starts work at around 6am, and works until he has sown all the ground that his brother has sprayed (usually he comes home around 2am), and his brother gets up at 3am to have enough ground prepared for Fisherman to start sowing. So, effectively they are working around the clock.

I worry about the hours they work and the size of the machinery they operate on such little sleep.

Please pray for our crop to go in this year with no mishaps. Also pray for continued rain to sustain it and develop strong root systems.

Dear Lord, I pray that as the boys continue to work hard and long hours that you will watch over them and protect them. I pray also for widespread rain across our land to sustain the crops we are sowing and give hope to our community.

So far so good

Well my little girl had her first day of yer 10 yesterday. And she really enjoyed it. She doesn't have any teachers that she clashes with (yet) and enjoyed all her lessons (even math!). One of her biggest hurdles in life is learning when NOT to speak her mind. She got into trouble qute often last year for standing up for herself and what she believed in, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just needs a bit of fine tuning. Standing in front of the class and shouting at the teacher for losing your assignment isn't going to win friends. Said assignment was found by the way, the teacher had accidentally attached it to someone elses. He was also in the wrong as he found it after she had already re-done it and didn't have the courage to tell her himself, he got one of the other students to tell her. Which just made her even more angry with him and even more difficult to get along with.

My favourite little man started his last year in primary school yesterday. He goes to a very small school so nothing much changed for him. He has the same teacher, same classmates and same principal. He's not really enjoying school and is quite lacking in self confidence so that is something we really need to be aware and work on this year.

Dear Lord, I pray that both kids can do their very best this year, not only academically but also learn to get along with an array of different people and be a bit more tolerant and patient. I pray that they can foster healthy and rewarding friendships with their peers. Most of all I pray that they will get to know you better and learn to trust in you whenever they need a friend.

Lightbulb moment

A friend shared a quote with me today. It was a quote from Billy Graham which is "I've read the last page of the Bible so I know its all going to be ok". I love it! I thought I would share it via email with one of my coworkers, so I emailed it off and thought nothing more of it. Until I got a return email. He was so grateful. They were exactly the words he needed to hear. I did tell him that I couldn't take the credit, I was just the messenger afterall. But it did give me a warm fuzzy. It's not often that I am able to act on an "impulse" like that and have it confirmed that I have let the Lord work through me.

Lord, I pray that each day I can become more in tune with your teaching and hear you when you speak to me and through me.
Amen.

Riding the Rollercoaster

That's what parenthood is really isn't it. A rollercoaster. I have two kids, 12 and 15. Princess 15 is for the most part a delight to be around. She is witty, charming and has moments of selflessness and can be so giving. Then there is the "dark" side. I find that our whole family rides the emotional rollercoaster with her. When she is happy, we are all happy! Its just like when she was a baby and toddler, only now we can, on occasion reason with her. I never realised that parenting a teenage daughter would be so scary. I'm really reluctant to let her go and make her own decisions, I so badly want to protect her from any (and there were many) mistakes that I made. I know in my head that this is an issue that I need to hand over to the Lord, but I even struggle to entrust her to Him! How silly is that! It's like I'm saying "no thanks Lord, this job may be a bit big for you, I'd better handle it myself" This week I'm going to try and pray for my lack of faith in my ability as a parent and my lack of trust in the Lord.

Lord, help me to build my faith in you. I pray that my daughter can grow into a lovely young woman with a firm faith and trust in you. I pray that she can endure the turbulent teenage years with her self esteem in tact and with a growing relationship with you.
These things I commit to you.
Amen.