Journey of Faith

My faith journey has been somewhat rocky this year...

We started out ok, pretty normal, and then I just didn't find time for regular church. And that's where the trouble started.

I set myself a goal of reading the bible in a year, and got stuck at March, and then started to beat myself up. More trouble.

I failed at being a good Christian, asked forgiveness, failed again, asked forgiveness, failed again, asked forgiveness, failed again.... until in about April I threw my hands in the air and GAVE UP.

I decided that if I couldn't be a good Christian then I would be a Christian at all. Plenty of people seem to get through life with less drama and hassle than me without God. So I decided that God didn't exist. Stamped my feet, stuck my tongue out and blew a big fat raspberry skyward.

That lasted until I went to bed that night, and said my usual prayer before going to sleep...only I thought, hang on, who are you praying to? You can't pray to God if you don't believe in him. After a silent little argument with myself I decided FINE. You do exist. But I'm ignoring you. So there.

That lasted right up until late July when the wheels fell off. Scott got a new job. We packed him up, found him a rental, moved him in. And two weeks later he quit. Just like that. Hated it so he quit. At which point I literally fell to my knees and said sorry. I'm sorry for trying to do it myself. I'm nothing without you. I can't do it alone.

Since then has been a slow and long recovery. It's like getting divorced and trying to start over. I feel like I've cheated. I'm beating myself up again and a few times I've almost quit again. Almost. God isn't letting go so easily this time. He got me back to church with a phone call to remind me that it's my turn to lead worship. He's been bombarding me daily with scripture on facebook, on my kindle, in my devotions. Everything I read seems to point me back to the One.

Lord, I know I can't do it alone, but I still try. Please help me to surrender myself and my life to you completely. Help me to trust in your plan. In your precious name I pray. Amen.