Controlling my emotions

Its hard keeping a lid on things sometimes. Today I have been short tempered, sullen and barely spoken more than one word at a time all day. My family is wary of me, they all have that hunted look about them. I know DH knows something is up but he hasn't asked which is probably a good thing because I'm not sure I'd tell him the truth.

When I commited myself to the Lord and to regular church attendances DH wasn't happy, he was threatened and jealous of the time I spent away from him and mostly scared that I would become like his parents and start nagging for him to come with. Its been a real concerted effort on my part to not do that and today Iam dissapointed in all of them ("them being my family") but unable to tell them why because that falls into the nagging category, and although I'd like DH to know that his lack of support for me really hurts sometimes I fear telling him for starting an argument. I loathe confrontation. Will avoid it at all costs.

Today is a special day in our church. The daughter of one of my dearest freinds is being confirmed. She (my friends daughter) is also one of my daughters closest friends. I gently reminded DD that it would be a good idea to attend today as it is a special day for her friend but this had no effect whatsoever. She asked me to tell her she was sorry and that she would make it up to her.

So, because by this time I was all hurt, wounded and feeling sorry for myself I didn't go either. Partly because I'm just have a good old sulk (which isn't making me feel any better dammit) and partly because I really don't like attending big occasions at church like that alone. It makes me feel really.......alone.

And now I've gone and done what DD has done. Let a friend down by not attending and offering my congratulations and love on what is a very special and important day for her family. What a hypocrite.

Since all else seems to have failed (I thought writing this down might make me feel better) I'm going in search of chocolate. Might have to settle for a milo since that is all I have in the house.

On the up side my house is very tidy. Anger and frustration makes me clean.

Dear Lord, help me to not get so hung up on my expectations of what my family can give me. I know its unfair to expect things from them that they cannot give, and selfish. I pray that they can one day come to know you and love you. Please watch over them and speak to their hearts. Please also watch over me and help me reconcile these feelings of hurt and guilt. I pray as I enter a new week that I can allow you to speak through me and that I can listen and understand the lessons you give me. Amen.